What Does It Really Mean To ‘Have It All’?

I was four months pregnant when Jacinda Ardern gave birth to her baby daughter and took six weeks of maternity leave from her role as New Zealand Prime Minister. I remember feeling both inspired by her incredible leadership story and – I’ll admit – apprehensive at the thought that, perhaps, if I wanted to ‘have it all’, I would need to stay much more actively involved in my business post-birth than I hoped to be. At the same time, I was also feeling a lot of guilt about planning a return to work when my child would be six months old given that most of my immediate network of parents planned to take a full year.

Of course, my role and Jacinda’s were worlds apart. For a start, me stepping away from my desk for a few months was of absolutely zero national interest. Our circumstances were very different. I also imagine that making decisions on how to simultaneously lead a country and parent a new baby was no easy ride! Still, when my admiration turned to irrational comparison, it had the capacity to confuse my own work-life priorities. Likewise, focusing on what I was doing ‘wrong’ as a parent for taking less than a year’s maternity leave distracted me from the reasons why I love what I do for a living. 

Last week, Jacinda announced her resignation. The news was quickly met with a flurry of headlines questioning whether it’s possible to balance leadership and little people. I think these stories missed the point. Stating: “I know what this job takes, and I know that I no longer have enough in the tank to do it justice”, Jacinda’s open acknowledgment that her work and home life priorities have evolved in my opinion marks a positive shift in the narrative around how we define work-life success.   

Jacinda’s comments demonstrate how important self-awareness is in helping us to recognise when it’s time to re-focus our time and energy. Looking back at my own insecurities when preparing for maternity leave, I can see how easily that clarity of personal need can become cloudy when we hold ourselves up to perceived external standards of validation. This ‘have it all’ mentality fuels our inner critic’s tendency to become hooked on what we ‘don’t have’ at the cost of recognising what will bring us a genuine sense of meaning and fulfilment.

To challenge this, we often need to take a step back and look at what really matters to us within our wider work-life context. Once we have a clear set of personal values and an order of priority based on what’s most important today, we can start to make more conscious decisions based on what we care about, rather than any external pressure that we may feel.

This doesn’t mean these decisions will be easy. I imagine that in standing by a political belief to make a difference to the lives of others, Jacinda and her partner faced tough parenting choices over the last 4.5 years. And with this I can whole-heartedly relate. These last four years running two businesses while raising two children certainly haven’t been a walk in the park for me and my family. I also know just how challenging maternity leave and time at home with the children can be. I’ve often found solace in the fact that other parents at the nursery gates agree that childcare-free days are more testing than the toughest of client meetings!

What my own parenting journey so far has taught me is that it’s OK to admit to the things that I cannot currently do or give time to at home and at work. I’ve grown more accepting of this as a sign of psychological strength rather than personal failure. My choice to return to work after six months let me re-engage with the professional value that I get from supporting and encouraging others, while my decision to press pause on certain work goals (and turn down some exciting opportunities as a result) has given me the space I need to live by this value at home too. Having greater clarity on my values keeps me connected to why I have made these choices and reminds me that it’s always possible to reorientate my focus in the future when the timing is right.

Jacinda’s decision to resign from her leadership position is a powerful reminder of the need to check-in on our values and stay tuned into the feelings that signal it’s time to make a change. Rather than evidence of an inability to ‘have it all’, I see this an example of effective leadership emotional intelligence in action. It’s clear in her words that this is something she values too: “I hope I leave New Zealanders with a belief that you can be kind, but strong, empathetic but decisive, optimistic but focused. And that you can be your own kind of leader – one who knows when it’s time to go.”

Jacinda’s final words honestly indicate what work-life success means to her right now: “To Neve: Mum is looking forward to being there when you start school this year. And to Clarke – let’s finally get married.” With my son starting school this September, I’ll certainly be checking-in on what matters most to me over the coming months too.

Jayne Ruff – Chartered Occupational Psychologist & Founder of Parenting Point.

Parenting Point exists to give everyone the self-belief that they can flourish as a parent and a professional by positively aligning both worlds. We help parents find their meaningful and fulfilling work-life balance through practical, psychology-based workshops and coaching. We work with organisations to create positive and inclusive performance cultures that support and encourage the growth of working parents.