Can Parents Really Practice Mindfulness?

I used to think of mindfulness as a luxury. A zen-like state that I aspired towards but had zero belief I’d ever reach. I admired the thoughtful, reflective states of the individuals I saw on social media talking of retreats and meditations, but my hectic lifestyle just didn’t seem to align.

This was my perspective before having kids. I’d often enrol on Pilates courses in the hope these would show me the route to a more peaceful mind. I once joined a mindfulness workshop for City workers searching for answers on how to juggle my busy workload and still have a life. The session certainly made us all slow down for 45-minutes (I think a few people even fell asleep). But I still didn’t know how I’d make time for such an indulgence on a more regular basis.

Four years later, I had my first baby. When you think of early parenthood, peace, serenity, silence and sleep aren’t words that likely spring to mind! It would be fair to say that we were in a state of beautiful, messy, sleep-deprived chaos. I never thought parenthood would be the point in my life that would help me to finally understand what mindfulness means to me, and the value it can offer in my life. But in a funny way, it’s the whirlwind of family life that’s given me greater focus on the importance of stepping back and tuning into what really matters to me, and this is where my mindfulness comes in.

Now, I must give credit where it’s due to the Pilates classes I took in the lead up to my baby’s arrival. The breathing techniques we practiced week after week to help us strengthen our bodies and our minds ahead of the birth stayed with me during my labour. Through all the unknowns of my first childbirth experience, I found familiarity and comfort in visualising the ‘golden thread’ spinning from my lips and into the air around me. Its simplicity made the exercise easy to remember and put into practice. I didn’t need a 45-minute meditation to feel the benefit. In the moment, with the pain, mindfulness helped me challenge my “I can’t do this” beliefs and connect to my purpose as I said in my head (and probably also out loud!): “Mummy is here, and I can’t wait to meet you. We’re doing this together”. I caveat all of this with the fact that, medically, I had an uncomplicated birth.

What my birthing experience taught me was that mindfulness is not a state to be achieved, but a skill to be developed. To be: “aware of the present moment in a way that is conscious, curious and flexible” (Oliver, Harris & Morris, 2015). Busy lives – pre and post children – can get in the way of being truly in the moment, which research has shown can influence our effectiveness and wellbeing. Oliver, Harris & Morris describe this as being: “physically here & now but mentally there & then”. In our household, we call this a “freezer chips in the cupboard” moment, in reference to my mind’s tendency to be one step ahead of my actions, leading to some interesting kitchen discoveries over the years.  

When I take a moment to breathe, this helps me to more objectively notice all the different stories my mind is telling me, which often present themselves as facts when I don’t have the headspace to process their authenticity. When we are hooked by our mind’s story, we take it very seriously, like it’s a truth or a rule that must be followed: “I forgot to pack the ‘show & tell’ toy; I’m a bad parent”; “I left team drink’s early to collect my son; I’ll never progress my career”. Mindfulness helps me to defuse from these thoughts by noticing them for what they really are, creating the space needed to choose my response more consciously. Each time I do this my mindfulness muscle strengthens.

There are many different activities designed to help you more consciously connect with the present moment. One of my favourites is called ‘Notice 3 things’, and I use it when I need a short, mindful moment during my otherwise hectic day. It goes like this:

Give your focus to three things that you can see. Take a moment to explore each thing in turn. Is it static or moving? Have you seen it before, or is this the first time? What do you notice that’s interesting or unusual?

Now turn your attention to the sounds around you. Notice three things you can hear. Is the sound close by, or in the distance? Is it a harsh sound, or a soft sound? Does the pitch change, or stay consistent?

Next, notice three things you can touch. It might be the touch of your palms pressing together, or your feet within your socks and shoes. Can you feel your bottom on your seat? What do you feel when you give your sense of touch just a little bit more attention than you would do normally?

Finally, notice three things you feel in this moment. Avoid any temptation to analyse or judge these feelings. Just notice them as they appear as if they’re floating past you on a cloud. Breathe in and out as you observe your thoughts, feelings and emotions passing by. With a more conscious mind, how will you choose to respond?

Give it a try and let me know how it works for you. It’s a great exercise to do with the little people in our lives too.

Jayne Ruff – Chartered Occupational Psychologist & Founder of Parenting Point.

Parenting Point exists to give everyone the self-belief that they can flourish as a parent and a professional by positively aligning both worlds. We help parents find their meaningful and fulfilling work-life balance through practical, psychology-based workshops and coaching. We work with organisations to create positive and inclusive performance cultures that support and encourage the growth of working parents.