Working parent imposter syndrome

…“If I can do it, how hard can it be?”, “I got lucky this time” or “I don’t belong here?'“

If you’ve ever felt like a fraud among other professionals or parents, you could be experiencing Imposter Syndrome. And you wouldn’t be alone.

First defined by Psychologists Dr Pauline Clance and Dr Suzanne Imes in the 1970’s, Imposter Syndrome is now thought to impact 7 out of 10 people. It is categorised by three key features: 

1. Believing that other people think you are better than you know you really are

2. Fearing that your true capabilities will soon be found out

3. Attributing personal success to external factors such as luck, chance and being in the right place at the right time

While early research focused on the prevalence of Imposter Syndrome in the workplace, attention has more recently been given to its impact on parenthood. We know that these fraudulent feelings often strike during times of change and uncertainty. And so, when parents face a transition in their professional lives – whether returning from parental leave, relocating for a new role or making their next career move – they may be doubly susceptible to feeling like they never fully measure up at work and at home. This can lead to further feelings of low confidence, guilt and self-doubt.

Imposter Syndrome is frequently found among high performers because high achievers are likely to set high personal standards. From a parenting perspective, some of these beliefs are driven by a cultural perception that we need to be able to do it all and make no mistakes along the way. There’s also a natural desire to want to do our best for our children and we tend to set this bar very high. Throw work into the mix and it becomes increasingly difficult to feel as if we are balancing it all and doing a good job.

When hit with these feelings of self-doubt, we might try to compensate professionally by working late, or seeking further qualification to help justify our position. As a parent, we might put a lot of pressure on ourselves to do more – make more home-cooked meals, read more parenting books, attend more courses and classes.

Here are three mindset shifts you can make to address these unhelpful thoughts when they arise and in doing so re-build your self-confidence and belief.

Consider what success really looks like for you.

How do you define personal success? When we experience Imposter Syndrome, we tend to compare what we perceive as our weaknesses with other people’s strengths. We also make a lot of assumptions about how other people feel – concluding that they must find it much easier than we do – when it’s impossible for us to really know.

Social media plays its part here. When we gather and compare professional and parenting information in this way, with a picture of success defined in just a few characters, it’s very easy to read posts and conclude: “I’m not good enough”.

While there are lots of brilliant benefits to the vast amounts of information and insight we gain online, we need to ensure that we’re taking a balanced approach. Use the information available as a source of inspiration, not comparison. Remember there’s often more to a story than social character limits allow.

We also need a healthy interpretation of what success looks like for us, taking time to consider what we personally value. By refocusing on what’s most important to you, you can re-set the success bar to an ambitious but more realistic – and more personally meaningful – level. 

Tune into negative self-talk & challenge your response.

When the feelings of Imposter Syndrome arise, what do you do? It might not always seem this way, but we have more choice over the way in which we respond to these feelings than we might realise. Often, our default response is to try to control them. We push ourselves harder to be better, we ruminate over and try to fix the one thing that went wrong rather than celebrate the 100 things that went right. We might begin to avoid activities that make us feel this way in the first place, like public speaking or parenting groups.  

But rather than turn away from these thoughts, what if we instead chose to sit with them and accept them? To accept that there will always be colleagues who are more talented in certain areas, and there will always be parents who can bake a better sugar free birthday cake. To accept that the working parent balancing act is never easy. Left to their own devices, the unhelpful feelings associated with Imposter Syndrome can become overwhelming and knock us off track. Accepting them is a way of building psychological flexibility and involves recognising that no emotion or belief is good or bad; the key is to consider how it is serving you.This puts you in a better position to focus on and act towards what’s personally important to you.

Once in this headspace, you can start to turn your attention more towards meaningful growth rather than being the best. This growth mindset also offers a more positive perspective on mistakes and gaps in knowledge, seeing them simply as opportunities to learn. This helps you to see the value in asking for help, a common blocker for working parents, rather than trying to figure it out or do it all on your own. Because seeking support from others is all part of this meaningful growth journey.

Celebrate tiny transformations & everyday successes.

Can you remember exactly what you did on this day last week? When we operate in a fast-paced and high-achieving work environment, we often take our day-to-day achievements for granted. Likewise, we don’t always stop to appreciate the tiny transformations we are regularly making as parents and supporting in our children; something as small as a chat about their day at school is significant. 

On the flip side, our in-built negativity bias means we spend a lot more time deliberating over the things that don’t go our way, which can fuel the feelings associated with Imposter Syndrome.

We need to take time to celebrate our everyday successes.

Doing this regularly is key. Spending just two minutes a day reflecting on and writing down one thing that has been a success for you – at work and at home – will make a big difference to your self-perception. Saving these reflections and revisiting them at moments when rumination takes hold helps you refocus on your bigger picture purpose. Remember to reward yourself along the way with something as simple as your favourite coffee.

Jayne Ruff – Chartered Occupational Psychologist & Founder of Parenting Point.

Parenting Point exists to give everyone the self-belief that they can flourish as a parent and a professional by positively aligning both worlds. We help parents find their meaningful and fulfilling work-life balance through practical, psychology-based workshops and coaching. We work with organisations to create positive and inclusive performance cultures that support and encourage the growth of working parents.