The working parent identity crisis

I was caught between two worlds. I wanted to find my place in both, but at that point in time my route to get there was still unclear.

My professional self has always been important to me; becoming an Occupational Psychologist was my first dream ahead of parenthood. But as I stepped back into the workplace, I questioned how I would give the same energy, focus and dedication to this important part of my life as I once had.

I had also worked equally hard to develop my identity and confidence as a mother. It was enlightening, exhausting, exhilarating… and I really enjoyed it. I lost precious sleep worrying about how I could possibly be the same loving and doting parent now that my attention was divided.

I was torn between two loves. And I was having an identity crisis.

Reading the comments shared in Parenting Point’s recent ‘What Support do Working Parents Really Need?’ survey confirmed I’m not alone. One of the greatest fears shared by parents before and during parental leave was a loss of self-identity, leading to diminished self-belief and anxieties around failing across work and home life.

Once back at work, the emotional tug of war between these two worlds can present itself as feelings of personal and professional guilt.

Working parent identity crisis – why it happens

So why do many parents share this experience when returning to work? According to psychological research, an identity crisis can occur at any time in our adult years when faced with a challenge to our sense of self. Starting and growing a family are significant life changes. Both can challenge our perspective and priorities, and we may (perhaps subconsciously) question what’s most important to us in life. This can lead to feelings of uncertainty and confusion as we try to figure it out.

We might search for answers about our personal identity by turning to our social identity. Within psychology, our social identity is defined as the categories we place ourselves in that are shared with others, such as being a parent and a professional. When we feel caught between these two worlds, it can be difficult to connect strongly with either. This can be a very lonely place and has an impact on self-confidence.

Working parent identity crisis – what you can do about it

Building increased confidence in ‘who we are’ provides a greater sense of belonging and control. There are three steps we can take to enhance self-awareness and re-connect with our self-identity during times of personal and professional change.  

1.     Write down what’s most important to you at work & in life.

As humans, we are hard-wired to seek a sense of purpose. It’s this purpose that shapes our values and identity. Writing a quick list of what’s most important to you helps consciously re-connect with (or re-evaluate) the strengths and qualities you want to express as a parent and a professional and provides clarity.

Keep it short and memorable. For example, I want to be a parent who is affectionate, fully-present, a good listener and a positive role model. Repeat for your work values. You might want to save these lists somewhere you can access easily and often – like your phone. Looking back at positive feedback and success stories from work can help you re-connect with your professional strengths. Appreciating the shared strengths that you bring to both life areas supports positive alignment.

2.     Identify small steps to take in a meaningful direction.

When we try to achieve too much too quickly, it can result in a perceived loss of control and sense of failure. This leaves us questioning self-value and worth.

Focus first on specific, short-term actions that align to your values. For example, if being committed is an important work value for you, an action might be to schedule a team meeting on Tuesday to get up to speed on the new project. If being fully-present is one of your parenting values, an action might be to take a tech-free family walk on Saturday. When we prioritise the actions that are genuinely most important to us, this positively reinforces our strengths and personal identity. It brings additional time management benefits too.

3.     Re-connect with your values on a regular basis.

As your working parent identity evolves, it’s healthy to keep exploring your values, roles, and sense of self. Regularly revisit and remind yourself of the things that are most important to you as a parent and a professional to continue strengthening your identity in both life areas. This is particularly valuable at times when your attention can feel a bit one-sided. Firmly planting your values flag also ensures that when future work-life conflicts arise, it doesn’t throw you emotionally off-course.

Continue to recognise and celebrate every small step you take in the direction of the person you want to be. Adopting this mindset is part of finding a meaningful and fulfilling work-life balance.

Jayne Ruff – Chartered Occupational Psychologist & Founder of Parenting Point.

Parenting Point exists to give everyone the self-belief that they can flourish as a parent and a professional by positively aligning both worlds. We help parents find their meaningful and fulfilling work-life balance through practical, psychology-based workshops and coaching. We work with organisations to create positive and inclusive performance cultures that support and encourage the growth of working parents.