Sleepless nights when returning to work

I wonder how I’ll function at work today. I worry about how he’ll cope at nursery. I’m thankful that for now our pre-schooler is sleeping well.

It’s been three months since I returned to work after my second maternity leave. Re-engaging with work whilst navigating disturbed nights is a path that I am familiar with; my eldest was also an inconsistent sleeper. Previous experience hasn’t made the physical exhaustion any easier to manage; my eyes are starting to sting in today’s low, late afternoon light. I am sleep deprived, and this can be emotionally draining.

I do have a different perspective this time around. I’m approaching these hazy days with greater acceptance that an overtired household is going to be emotionally sensitive. I’m practicing self-compassion with greater appreciation that the complexities of sleep go beyond what we are doing ‘right or wrong’ as parents. While it’s incredibly tough, I know that ‘this phase too shall pass’. It will not be the single point in time that defines me (at work and as a parent) or my family going forward.   

I am a big advocate of mindset growth in my work as a psychologist. Research has shown that we can influence the impact our mind’s narrative has on our behaviour by tuning into the story it’s sharing, then making conscious decisions about how we engage. We also know that developing optimism helps to build personal resilience. I won’t pretend this is easy. The mounting hours of missed zzz’s can still impact how I think and feel day-to-day. But from personal experience, I have found that the mindset I choose to adopt towards my sleep challenges can make a big difference.

There are some specific mindset shifts we can make to help boost our psychological strength through sleep-deprived times:

Take each day as it comes

One thing’s for certain about sleep in our household; we never know what we’re going to get! Some nights are better than others, generally for reasons outside of our control – whether that’s teething, sickness, a developmental leap, or a nightmare. I’ve therefore come to appreciate that some days will be more productive than others too.

This level of unpredictability, combined with a building exhaustion, can lead our mind down an unhelpful road of overgeneralisation. Once here it might begin to reach conclusions like: “I’m a bad parent because I can’t help my child to sleep’ and ‘I’m a bad employee because I’m always too tired to think straight’. Adopting a more open and flexible mindset, treating ‘every day as a new day’, can help get our mind back on a more positive track.

To support this mindset shift, consider:

• What’s the most important thing for me to accomplish today?

• Where can I cut myself some slack?

• What have I achieved today despite my poor night’s sleep?

Tune into your energy ebbs & flows

It’s normal to experience ebbs and flows in our energy levels throughout the day, regardless of how much or little sleep we’ve had. Recognising and responding to these energy highs and lows can help to feel more in control of our time and confident in our outputs.

Personally, to put this into practice I’ve had to think differently about the way I work. I used to block out days in my diary to focus on a single task – like strategic planning. This approach doesn’t work for me anymore. Now I divide my day into shorter, more flexible time blocks. I like to start the day with a task that really energises me and plays to my strengths. This gives me an instant hit of personal satisfaction and fulfilment. But when I sense my energy levels are taking a dip, I’ll press pause and allow time to mentally recharge.

My energy peaks can also come at unusual times and in unconventional places. I’ve had some of my best work ideas while breastfeeding in the night. When this happens, I’ll capture the thought on my phone and carve out some time the next day to develop my midnight brain dump further. I’ve become more comfortable adopting an adaptable, ‘work in progress’ mindset, and I believe this has improved my work quality.

To balance your energy throughout the day, consider:

• How can I shake up my working patterns to better align to my energy levels?

• What are the tasks that really excite me & where should I weave these into my day?

• What simple ‘recovery rituals’ will help me to refuel my energy tank when it’s running low?

Recognise & respect your limits

We are all unique. Our individual personalities, priorities and values influence what motivates us and what raises our stress levels. The things that trigger my feelings of anxiety are not identical to those of my husband, colleagues, and friends. So, when it comes to sleep, what we can tolerate and how we want to approach things will be different. The type of work we do will also impact the limits we set from a practical and safety perspective.

When we’re searching for answers to a problem, our natural tendency is to look outwards to what others are doing in the same situation. There are benefits to doing this; it can be a comfort to know that we’re not alone. My husband and I found watching episode one of the comedy series ‘Breeders’ – which plays out some very relatable household sleep battles – rather reassuring. The humour helped us break free from negative thinking patterns and laughing out loud was cathartic.

At the same time, our outward-looking mind has a habit of making unhelpful comparisons to others.  When this happens, we lose sight of what’s genuinely important to us, which is where limited time and energy is best spent. Shifting our mindset to focus on personal and family values helps identify the work and home life decisions to prioritise. Openly asking for support when sleep is a struggle is also essential.

To recognise and respect your limits, consider:

• What are the personal & family values that matter most to me?

• What must I prioritise & de-prioritise to protect my personal boundaries?

• Who can I go to for support, feedback & validation at this time?

Jayne Ruff – Chartered Occupational Psychologist & Founder of Parenting Point.

Parenting Point exists to give everyone the self-belief that they can flourish as a parent and a professional by positively aligning both worlds. We help parents find their meaningful and fulfilling work-life balance through practical, psychology-based workshops and coaching. We work with organisations to create positive and inclusive performance cultures that support and encourage the growth of working parents.