Returning to Work: What I Learnt from Baby No.1

Overnight, I felt differently about my work-life priorities. I wasn’t fully prepared for this, and it was a confusing and emotionally exhausting time. Fast-forward almost two years and I’m back working in a job that I feel connected to, and incredibly passionate about. It’s the same job I had before the birth of my son, but I do have a very different mindset now to how I view work and family life.

Undoubtedly, I’ve learnt more in the last 24 months than all my years of education put together. Especially about myself. I went back to work when my son was eight months old. I constantly fretted about the practical challenges this presented, like where to discretely pump breastmilk when I’m on site with a client. But what hit me hardest was my battle with feelings of self-doubt, guilt and uncertainty, all mixed into the new motherhood cocktail of acute tiredness, conflicting advice and fluctuating hormones (and not helped by the tears at nursery school drop off and pick up!). With some helpful distance between my initial return and life today, I can see this was an emotionally intense tug-of-war between two important life areas.

But what hit me hardest was my battle with feelings of self-doubt, guilt and uncertainty, all mixed into the new motherhood cocktail of acute tiredness, conflicting advice and fluctuating hormones.

 For that first eight months, my professional identity was muted. I gave 100% of my love and attention to my child as I slowly developed my confidence as a mother. This took time, and it wasn’t an easy ride. I experienced a new mum crushing moment just eight weeks into my son’s life when I failed to recognise him at a post-natal Pilates class. But I worked hard to build belief in my motherhood self, and so when the time came to return to work I was pretty reluctant to let go of its exclusive status. I think with all the energy and devotion I had given to parenting my fast-growing little boy, on reflection I lost sight of another very important perspective. I’m still a person too. Where do I want to grow next?

 I don’t want to do this anymore. Was this truly how I felt about a career I previously enjoyed so much? Did it have to be one or the other?

To help answer this question, I’ve been working on identifying and staying connected to what’s most important to me at work and at home. My life values. What this has helped me to recognise is that, rather than seeing my role as a parent and a professional as two competing forces, it is possible for them to co-exist. Do I still feel anxious when I’m running late for nursery pick up, and guilty about cancelling a work meeting when my son is sick? Yes! Do I ruminate over the choices I make and worry about whether I’m doing the ‘right’ thing? Not so much anymore.

 Rather than seeing my role as a parent and a professional as two competing forces, it is possible for them to co-exist.

I believe it’s really important that we create space for new parents to speak openly about the emotional challenges of returning to work, as well as the more frequently recognised practical ones. Which is why, as part of my return to work journey as a Psychologist, I decided to launch Parenting Point, an organisation offering practical, psychology-led workshops & coaching for returning parents where these emotional experiences can be normalised and positively supported.

I’m now almost halfway through my second pregnancy, and there’s lots I want to tell my future self ahead of my return to work after baby number two. I want to tell myself that it’s important to create some headspace to process the change that’s coming ahead of the baby’s arrival, rather than race at 100mph to the work finish line right up to my due date, and that this time to think about the bigger work-life picture will actually help me to feel more connected to my career when the time is right to come back.  

Rather than sweep any negative emotions under the carpet, I want to give myself permission to accept all the highs and lows I feel about my return to work and tell myself that, as with any big change, adjusting takes time. I don’t need to be back at work all guns blazing from day one, nor should others expect this from me. Instead, I’ll tell myself to take small steps, staying tuned into the personal qualities I most want to bring to my role. I’ll aim to use this to guide where I focus my energy and attention. And I’ll make time each day to recognise the progress I’ve made with something as simple as an uninterrupted, warm cappuccino (and cake).

Rather than sweep any negative emotions under the carpet, I want to give myself permission to accept all the highs and lows I feel about my return to work and tell myself that, as with any big change, adjusting takes time.

Rather than fall into the trap of thinking about what I can no longer give to work (which often isn’t where the true value-add is anyway… like staying late in the office or working weekends), I’ll encourage myself to focus on my strengths and what’s most important to me. That through becoming a parent, I now bring an enhanced life experience that offers multiple benefits to my professional role (more effective prioritisation, elevated empathy, increased resilience… to name just a few).   

And I will constantly remind myself that I am not alone. There’s so much amazing support available from friends, through local parenting groups and on social media. I’ve also taken my own advice and engaged a coach who will be there to give me some objective steer if my focus on what I really value across work and life understandably, under the fog of new parenthood, gets a bit muddled.

What’s the most important thing I’ll tell myself returning to work after baby number two? “You are strong. You are supported. You can do this”.

Jayne Ruff – Chartered Occupational Psychologist & Founder of Parenting Point.

Parenting Point exists to give everyone the self-belief that they can flourish as a parent and a professional by positively aligning both worlds. We help parents find their meaningful and fulfilling work-life balance through practical, psychology-based workshops and coaching. We work with organisations to create positive and inclusive performance cultures that support and encourage the growth of working parents.